


Desperate Times

by DumpsterDiving101



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Brotherhood, Brothers, Cutting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Gay, Gen, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Muteness, Quiet, Roommates, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7069273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumpsterDiving101/pseuds/DumpsterDiving101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell and Phil Lester are internet sensations, also known as AmazingPhil and Danisnotonfire. They recently published a book, and just got off the Amazing Tour is Not on Fire! But when Dan finds out that his little brother, Adrian Howell, was hospitalized from a suicide attempt, they have to find some way to help him. Mrs. Howell suggests Adrian move in with them, and they are more than willing to do anything to help. It isn't the ideal situation- Adrian refuses to speak, and he doesn't believe he deserves to get better. Will Dan and Phil be able to help him, or are they too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ  
> This story is purely a work of fiction. I do not know Adrian, Dan or Phil, so obviously I can’t claim any of this to be true. I don’t think any of this is true. This story was made purely because I came up with the idea and I found it an interesting story prompt. In this story, Adrian Howell struggles with many different issues regarding depression and self-esteem. I do not in any way think that Adrian struggles with these issues in real life, nor do I think this accurately portrays him in any way. Dan and Phil are in this book too, and while I know a lot about what they put on the internet, I cannot say this is an accurate portrayal of them either. I tried to capture their personalities the best I could, but you shouldn’t base their characters off of their characters in this book. So, in short, THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION AND YOU SHOULD NOT PRESUME ANY OF IT TO BE TRUE.
> 
> Also, a quick message to Adrian in case he ever sees this: I do not think you are depressed, or suicidal, or are anything like the way you are portrayed in this book. This book is just something I wrote because I found the concept interesting. I hope that this does not offend you, because that was not in any way my intention. I apologize if this does make you uncomfortable or offend you, because as I said, this is a work of fiction and in no way represents you as a person. Just someone’s fanfiction that doesn’t represent you. Okay, I think I’ve explained myself enough. 
> 
> Oh, and also, in case I didn’t mention I KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT ADRIAN HOWELL. THIS BOOK IS FICTION. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, ADRIAN IS NOT DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL, ETC. THIS IS PURELY CREATIVE LISENCE.

Phil was simply making a cup of coffee when he heard it. A sob, a legitimate sob coming from Dan’s room. Almost throwing the kettle down, Phil turned and ran to his friend’s room, stopping for a second at the door, reconsidering, when he heard it again. He grabbed the doorknob and swung it open, to find Dan sitting on the floor, his head in his hands. Phil ran in.  
“Dan! What happened?” Phil asked, standing above him. “Do I need to get the first aid kit?”  
This just made Dan cry harder into his hands, refusing to look at Phil. Phil decided that Dan must not have been hurt- he must be crying over something else.  
Sitting down cross-footed next to him, Phil leaned back and rubbed Dan’s back, trying to help calm his best friend down. Finally, Dan spoke.  
“It-it-it’s Adrian.” He said, looking up with tear filled eyes before putting his face in his hands again, his body shaking with tears.  
A sinking feeling filled Phil’s stomach. Quietly, as if not to startle Dan, he asked “What happened?”  
Phil knew that Adrian struggled a lot, and that it was difficult being Dan’s brother. A few years ago, when the boy was only 15, he was harassed by some so-called “Dangirls”, messaging him on his personal Tumblr and Facebook, asking about Dan. Adrian didn’t take to fondly to it, as he and Dan were never really close, and was forced to delete his Tumblr and make his Facebook private. Phil wondered if another incident had occurred.  
Dan sniffled, sitting up and wiping his shaking hands on his jeans. He took a few deep breaths before turning to Phil, though he couldn’t make eye contact.  
“He- he’s in the h-h-hospital. It’s al-al-all my f-f-f-f-fault.” Dan said, his eyes filling with tears once more. Phil’s stomach dropped.  
“Oh Dan, I’m sure that’s not true. Is he sick? What happened?”  
Dan sucked in a breath. “No, no he’s not sick. He-” Phil resumed rubbing Dan’s back, trying to reassure him. “He, Adrian, my little brother-” Dan got choked up again, only instead of crying into his hands, he turned to hug Phil, crying into his shoulder.  
It could’ve been another minute or an hour before Dan stopped crying and picked himself back up again, Phil wasn’t sure. The entire time, his mind was racing with thoughts, trying to understand what had happened. Finally, Dan finished explaining.  
“He was apparently admitted into the hospital last night. Mom had found him, in the bathroom, almost bleeding out-“ Dan’s voice cracked, and Phil tried to side hug him, but Dan pushed him away, clearing his throat before continuing, trying to keep it together. “He was rushed to the hospital, and they say he should live. But that’s not what I was worried about. Phil, he- he tried to kill himself.”


	2. Chapter 2

The nurses brought him water, but he refused to drink it. They brought him food, but he refused to eat it. They turned on the telly, but he refused to look at it. The nurses brought his parents, but he refused to acknowledge them.  
The bandages were wrapped tightly around his arms, as if the tighter they were wrapped the less likely it was he would pull them off. If that was the doctor’s goal, then they were right. Adrian couldn’t get them off.  
Adrian had passed out for a few hours from the blood loss, but he couldn’t sleep. Even with the bandages and the painkillers, his arms stung like hell. He couldn’t sleep laying on his back or stomach, and he couldn’t roll to his side without feeling the need to scream in pain, so he stayed laying on his back and starring at the ceiling. His arms may hurt like fuck, but nothing would ever hurt more than the shame he felt. Adrian didn’t feel ashamed of trying to kill himself- he felt ashamed because it didn’t work. He had failed at killing himself. He was even more of a failure than he had ever been, and that was nearly impossible to beat.  
His parents cried, begging him to talk to them, to say something. They pleaded with him, they bawled and wept and asked why, why he did it. But Adrian didn’t listen, nor did he respond. 

**********************************************************************************

Mrs. Howell had spent the rest of the day crying her eyes out, until eventually she went home and, after being in the hospital with Adrian all of the previous night and the entire day, fell fast asleep. When she woke up, however, she needed to come up with a plan. It wasn’t safe for Adrian to stay at home, and besides, he was 18. He could leave whenever he wanted, and she knew he was unhappy at home. But where else could he go, where he would be watched after and taken care of? There was only one place she could think of.  
Scrolling through her phone, Mrs. Howell found the contact almost immediately- he was on her favorites list. The phone was answered immediately after the first two rings, and her son’s voice came up on the other line.  
“What happened? Is he okay?” Dan questioned from the other end of the line, sounding scared.  
“No, no, nothing happened. Adrian- he is still in the hospital, being closely monitored. Your father is there now.” Dan’s mother said, trying to calm him down before making her request. Dan audibly sighed.  
“Oh, good.” Dan sighed audibly. Mrs. Howell bit her lip, worried, before making her request.  
“But… there is something I would like to ask you.”  
Normally Dan would groan, or do something of the like, but he just responded with “yeah, of course, anything.”  
His mother paused, nervous this was a bit much. She should at least ask her husband first, and they could make this decision together, but she felt she had to do this now.  
“I was wondering… well, I was hoping…”  
“Yeah?” Dan prompted.  
She sighed. “Adrian isn’t safe at our house. He needs a break, and I can’t trust him on his own. Do you think you and Phil…?” The question hung in the air, and Dan was quiet for a few moments before he realized just what his mother was asking.  
“You can’t mean-”  
“Yes, I do. Please. Ask Phil, check with your landlord, please just see. I am so worried about him Daniel, I don’t want-” she stopped trying to compose herself.  
“I’ll see what I can do, mom. If that’s what it takes to keep him safe, then I’m willing. What about college, though-”  
“He’s taking a gap year.” His mom interrupted. “He had already planned it before- before…. You know.”  
Dan nodded his head slowly, even though he knew his mom couldn’t see him. “Okay mom,” he replied quietly. “I’ll see what I can do.”  
Hanging up the phone, Dan turned, and saw Phil standing at the door. This would have surprised him normally, but now it seemed only right.  
Phil was leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed casually. “We don’t need to ask the landlord. And you know what my answer is.”  
Dan nodded slowly, looking away. It was obvious that Phil, being his usual caring self, wouldn’t fight him on this.  
“So why are you so nervous?” Phil asks, taking a few steps so he was standing next to Dan. His posture compared to Dan’s slumped frame made Phil seem much taller, and much more capable. He knew why Dan was worried, of course. But he knew Dan needed to say it aloud.  
“Adrian hates me. No way will he want anything to do with me.”  
“Well,” Phil said, trying to seem more confident about the situation than he actually was. “Well…. If it makes you feel better, it doesn’t seem like Adrian much wants to be at home, and there’s no way he’d be able or willing to get a job, so he doesn’t have much other options. And besides…” Phil took a deep breath, not sure whether or not to say his thoughts, but they came out anyways. “Besides, he doesn’t hate Dan Howell. He hates Danisnotonfire. He doesn’t hate the brother, he hates the brand. And the fans, I guess.”  
Dan looked up at Phil, glaringly. “Gosh thanks Phil. I appreciate the knowledge that he doesn’t hate me, he just hates my success and my life and everything else about me.”  
Phil cracked a smile, and even though it was completely inappropriate for the situation, they both started laughing lightly. 

********************************

Adrian wasn’t laughing.  
If this was a normal day, he would yell at his parents. If it was a normal day, he would tell his mom that what she was doing wasn’t fair, that he was 18 now and he had the right to make his own decisions. He hated his brother, and knew that Dan must hate him too. After all, everyone hated Adrian. Adrian was the screw up- the mistake. If his parent’s would have known that he would turn out this way, then they would’ve had the good sense to abort him. He wished they had aborted him.  
This was, however, no normal day, so instead of yelling at his parents he stayed quiet, and looking away.  
He knew what would happen. His parents would dump him off at his brother’s house, then they wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. Then, Dan would fake being nice to him, so his fans would continue seeing him as a god, while in reality Dan would hate him.  
Even knowing this, Adrian refused to say anything. He hadn’t talked since he got to the hospital, since he tried to kill himself, and wasn’t going to start now. Besides, maybe if he didn’t talk to his brother, maybe then his brother would finally forget he was there, like everyone else has been doing ever since Dan became famous. Then Adrian could finish the job. Then he could kill himself, and this time, he would make it count.  
A doctor came in a little later and checked his vitals, making sure he would live. Adrian wished the doctor hadn’t done a good job, but unfortunately the doctor deemed him ready to leave the A&E. As Adrian was unhooked from all the machines checking his heartbeat and everything, he noticed his mom slipping in an orange prescription bottle into her purse, which the doctor had given her. His dad was checking him out, and paying the probably exponentially expensive bill. They should have just let him bleed out on the bathroom floor.  
Adrian was helped up off of the white hospital bed by a nurse with strong arms and a bit of facial hair. Adrian knew this because he starred at the male nurse’s face instead of his mothers. Adrian’s arms hurt like fuck. He winced slightly as the nurse helped him up, and the man immediately put his hands on Adrian’s side to lift him up that way. Adrian’s arms felt weird- like the skin was being stretched. He refused to ask though.  
“Your arms will be soar for a while, and you should have someone rewrap them with more gauze daily. It is important to keep them covered and wrapped tightly. None of the cuts should open up again, since they have all scarred over, but keeping them wrapped should help them to heal.” The nurse said, glancing over a clipboard. Adrian tried to bend his elbows slightly, which weren’t covered by gauze. He hadn’t cut there, but he could see the skin. It was red, and lines were engraved in it as if it had been stretched, or burned. The nurse saw him looking, and explained. “When you get a cut, the skin has to pull itself back together in order to heal. This causes the remaining skin to dry, and have a slightly stretched feel. It should go back to normal after a few days, if not sooner.”  
Adrian rubbed the skin with the tip of his finger. It didn’t even feel like skin- it felt like beef jerky for fuck’s sake.  
“Should he apply lotion to it?” His mom asked, a worried expression on her face. The nurse scrunched his face, shaking his head.  
“In a few days, after the cuts aren’t irritated as easily, if the skin is still dry, then you can apply some lotion. I wouldn’t recommend it until at least 4 days from now, however.”  
Adrian got up from his sitting position on the hospital bed, and tried to regain his balance. He looked at his mom expectantly. She looked unsure.  
“Before we go, can I ask you a quick question?” She asked. The nurse nodded, coughing into his elbow lightly. “Why won’t he talk?” She said quietly, as if it was a secret, or as if Adrian wouldn’t hear even though he was closer than the nurse.  
The nurse turned to Adrian. “Did the doctor examine your vocal chords?”  
Adrian looked to the floor, but feeling both sets of eyes on him, slowly shook his head. The nurse sighed.  
“Does your throat hurt?” He asked. Everything hurt, but Adrian knew that he still had the ability to talk. He just wouldn’t.  
Adrian shook his head again.  
“Do you remember how to talk?”  
Adrian looked at the nurse like he was stupid.  
“I’ll take that as a yes, then. Can you talk for me, please? Then you can leave.”  
Adrian looked away, trying to cross his arms but having it hurt too much. The nurse sighed.  
“Alright. Mrs. Howell, I presume?” The nurse gestured to Adrian’s mom, who instantly looked up.  
“Yes, that’s me.”  
“You’ll want to get him to a psychologist, possibly a psychiatrist, but ask the psychologist first. You have the anti-depressants, right?”  
Adrian’s eyes shot up. Antidepressants?  
“Yes, they’re in my bag.”  
“Good. Give him one every day, and keep them in your room or in a locked cupboard, alright?” Adrian’s mom nodded quickly, before the male nurse added, “And keep an eye on him. Make sure he isn’t left alone, at least for the first week. I would also suggest you remove the locks from any bathroom or bedroom doors, or at least make sure you have a key on hand. Any other questions?”  
Adrian’s mom didn’t have any, and even though questions raced through his head, he shook his head no. They were escorted out, and when Adrian felt his mom’s hand on his shoulder, he immediately shook her off. She was the one who found him, who kept him from his only wish- death. She was also the one to send him to his brother’s house, practically throwing him into the lion’s den. No, he wouldn’t let her touch him.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan sighed. “Kay Age’-” he started, but as soon as the nickname fell from his lips Adrian jumped up and pushed past them, running to the end of the room where Dan and Phil’s rooms were, and opening and slamming a door. Dan and Phil made eye contact. Dan and Phil were busy cleaning up. They had Fall Out Boy playing in the background, and together went through and picked up their house. Dan was very keen on making a good impression on his brother. They didn’t talk much- family holidays were mainly spent trying to avoid each other, and besides that, ever since Dan became big Adrian ignored all of his attempts at communication. Once, three years ago, when Adrian’s social media was overrun with “Dangirls”, they had talked for a while- if Adrian yelling at Dan that he hated him and hated his fans for 3 minutes over the phone counted as talking.  
Phil suddenly stopped mid-sweep, holding the broom absentmindedly as he straightened. “Where will he sleep?”  
Dan straightened up too, after scrubbing some weird sticky stuff off of a cabinet. He swiveled his neck to face Phil. “I was thinking the pull out couch, but it’s kind of far from our rooms, isn’t it?”  
Phil nodded. “He could have my room?”  
Dan inhaled through his teeth. Dan didn’t like the idea of making Phil deal with his family issues, but he definatly didn’t like the idea of Phil having to give up his room too. “Nah,” he said, “I’ll give him my room. I’ll sleep in the office, yeah?”  
“Okay!” Phil smiled. Phil kept cleaning, as Dan walked through the glass kitchen door and over to his room to get some his stuff. It was only 15 minutes later when the doorbell rung, and Dan immediately ran from the office, down the six sets of stairs to the door. He opened it, panting.  
“Dan!” Mrs. Howell said, extending her arms to hug her son. Dan hugged back, still gasping for air. Once he pulled away, he crouched down, trying to catch his breathe. Phil walked down the stairs, eyeing Dan wearily.  
“Mrs. Howell!” He said happily, as he hugged her too. As he pulled away, they both looked at Dan crouched down.  
“Dan? Are you okay?” His mom asked, leaning down. Phil chuckled.  
“He was in the office, and made the mistake of running down all 3 flights of stairs. I swear, Dan is the most unathletic person I know.” They chuckled, before Dan stood up and brushed his pants off.  
“It’s 6 flights of stairs.” He glared at Phil before turning back to his mom. He peaked behind her to see Adrian, who had tried to keep out of sight until now. “Adrian!” Dan exclaimed, trying to feign delight. His brother reluctantly stepped aside from behind his mom, and Dan gave him a very brief side hug, trying hard to keep from touching the boy’s bandages. Adrian was 18, but he seemed much younger and smaller.  
Dan and Phil lead them upstairs to the fourth floor, after helping Mrs. Howell get some of Adrian’s stuff from her car. From what she said, it sounded as if she had just packed up some of his stuff without telling him, tossed it in the car, and drove straight to the hospital. There she told Adrian that he’d be staying with Dan and Phil for a few months, and they drove directly here. No time for Adrian to adjust to the idea of living with his older brother whom he hated, and after all Adrian had gone through in the past 48 hours, it seemed like he might need a little time to adjust.  
They all dumped Adrian’s stuff in ‘Dan’s’ room, besides of course, Adrian. He hadn’t carried anything what with his arms, and waited in the lounge, looking around. Dan peeked on him before going to the kitchen with his mom and Phil to hear the instructions. The way Mrs. Howell talked, it sounded more like watching a sick dog than his little brother, but Dan let it slide. Mrs. Howell gave him a checklist of things to do and watch for, which a nurse at Accident and Emergency had apparently told her. She gave him a bottle of anti-depressants to give to Adrian once a day, and went into the lounge to say goodbye to Adrian. Dan and Phil followed close behind. When they came into the room they found Adrian sitting on the edge of the couch, starring out of the window. When his mom came up behind him and tried to hug him, he jumped, trying to move away. Finally, Mrs. Howell gave up and told him she loved him and to be safe, then said goodbye to Dan and Phil and left.  
Once she left, Dan and Phil stood at the entrance to the lounge, not sure what to do next. Adrian hadn’t said a single thing since they got here, but Phil hadn’t really noticed. “So, Adrian,” he prompted. “You up to anything new? I heard you graduated high school. You glad to have it done?”  
Adrian glanced at Phil briefly, looking him up and down before turning away again. Adrian’s lips never parted, and it was obvious he had no plans on talking. 

“I didn’t know-“ Dan started defending himself, but Phil shook his head, a small smile on his lips.  
“It’s okay Dan. It’s not your fault. It’s getting close to dinner time, let’s reheat some of that pizza from last night. I’ll bring it to him.” Dan opened his mouth to object, but Phil shook his head, the smile still playing on his lips. “Just give him some time. Besides, he ran into my room on accident.”  
Dan opened his mouth, wanting to object, but instead agreed. “Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.”


	4. Chapter 4

Adrian sat on the colorful bedspread, his knees clutched close to his chest. Dan had had the nerve, the audacity to call him his old nickname. Adrian stayed still and silent, but in his mind he and Dan screamed at each other.   
‘You have no right to call me that!’  
‘I’m your brother, dumbass! I can call you whatever the fuck I want, and you can’t do anything about it.’ He imagined Dan yelling at him.   
In his mind, he shook his head, looking at his brother with a cold hard expression on his face. ‘I know! I know I’m a mistake, I fucking know! I tried to fix our parents mistake, I tries to kill myself, but I failed at even that! Why won’t you just let me die?’   
Fake Dan shook his head, and was about to say something else when the door opened. Not a door in Adrian’s imagination, but the door to the room in real life. Adrian tensed up, glaring over his knees at the intruder- tall, with dark hair and skinny jeans- but it wasn’t his brother. Adrian relaxed slightly, but kept his posture rigid. Phil carefully opened the door, and upon entering the room closed the door again, all without looking at the boy curled up on his bed. Phil carried two plates, both with reheated pizza on it. He sat one of the plates a foot or two away from Adrian, still not looking at the boy, and then sat on the floor in front of his bed. Phil grabbed his TV remote and turned it on, trying to find something interesting to watch. Adrian peeked his head up, and stopped clutching his knees so close to his body. Phil was very peculiar, coming into the room, without saying anything or acknowledging Adrian in any way, and then just sitting facing away from the boy on the floor. While it was strange, Adrian appreciated it, in some odd way. Ever since his mom found him on their bathroom floor, bleeding out, he hadn’t gotten a moment to catch his breathe. He was rushed to the hospital and when he woke up, ever moment was spent with someone starring at him, watching him like some sort of criminal. He would fall asleep with people in the room, and wake up with people in the room, sometimes more than before. It felt so freeing being allowed to collect himself without being constantly starred at.   
Phil had known this, of course. If he had done what he wanted to, and sat down right next to Adrian on Phil’s bed, then he boy would have immediately shied away. This way, Phil could get the boy dinner, and be in the same room to keep watch over him, but he gave him a moment out from the spotlight. And Phil knew about the pressures of the spotlight.   
But what he was doing, avoiding eye contact with Adrian and not even acknowledging him beyond setting the pizza on the bed next to the boy, was more than just guesswork. Phil knew that right now, Adrian was like a caged animal. He was uncomfortable and desperate and watched, and Phil wanted to make him comfortable. He knew that if it was an abused dog sitting on his bed, he would do the same- though probably not sit within biting range. Phil hoped that Adrian wouldn’t bite him, though.   
Slowly, Phil stopped thinking about the situation and started focusing on the movie. He ate his pizza, and hoped Adrian would eat his too.  
Unfortunately though, eventually the movie ended and Phil wanted to go to bed. It was still a little before 9, but Phil had had very poor rest the night before, and it had been a very busy day.   
Phil stood up, and immediately Adrian scooted back on the bed, bringing his knees back up to his chest. Phil picked up his own plate, before taking a step to grab Adrian’s plate, only to find it still full.   
Phil took a small step forwards, and Adrian pushed himself backwards even more. A sideways look on his face, Phil looked at the boy in the eyes for the first time. Adrian felt like he had horribly screwed up, like Phil was judging him, but he couldn’t look away.   
“I’m going to go- take my contacts out.” Phil said, setting his empty plate on the bed next to Adrian’s. He turned around a walked a few steps to the door, before sopping and looking back at Adrian. “Do you like pizza?” He asked, a calm tone. Adrian looked up at him with just his eyes, the rest of his body practically motionless as he shrugged. “Do you want something else to eat?” Phil asked. Again, Adrian shrugged, but it changed to a slow head shake. He didn’t want any food- he didn’t deserve it. Phil bit his lip, unsure of what to make of the situation. Finally he nodded. “Well, try to eat something if you can. If you don’t want the pizza, then you can go to the kitchen and help yourself to whatever.” Phil looked away, still not moving away. He sighed. “I’m going to go- contacts.”   
He left the room, and Adrian wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t deserve the food- he didn’t, he didn’t, he didn’t. It looked really good, though. Adrian was almost tempted when he reminded himself.   
This is a temporary situation. I only have to stay here a few more days, just until I finish the job. Just until I finish the job. Just until I finish the job…..  
Adrian shook his head and got up, picking up the plates and carrying them with him out of the room. He hadn’t really gotten a tour of the flat, and had never been here before, but he figured he could find the kitchen. It turned out to be much easier than anticipated, as it was literally right next to Phil’s room. There was a glass door, and Adrian almost ran into it before realizing it was there. It wasn’t his fault, however, as he was busy looking inside. His brother was there, rinsing off his dish in the sink. Adrian was about to leave, when he heard Phil coming up the stairs from the bathroom. Adrian considered just bringing the plates back, but he didn’t want to be tempted by the food again.   
He pushed the door open with his back, hardening his resolve. Trying to stay as poker-faced as possible, he set the plates on the counter. Dan looked to the side at him, but continued rinsing off the few plates in the sink. He looked back at the water.   
“There’s a container in the fridge with the rest of the pizza in it. Could you put these pieces back in it, or are you going to eat it?”   
Adrian shook his head, walking away from his brother. Every step further felt like a little more of a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. Or maybe it wasn’t a weight being lifted off of his shoulders- is was more of a strange tenseness. Whenever he was near his brother, he felt like someone was yelling at him in his mind, to be better, more talented, funnier, smarter.   
He put the pizza away and brought the plates back to the sink, setting them next to it to let Dan rinse them off. He did, and put them in the dishwasher. Adrian was about to leave when Dan stopped him.   
“Wait,” he said, and immidiatly Adrian tensed up. He knew it would happen. It was bound to happen. Dan was going to remind him that he wasn’t doing this for Adrian, but was doing it for their mum. Or doing it because he felt he had to. Or doing it because he knew he had to keep up the image. Either way, Adrian was expecting it, and even though he knew it was coming, some part of him had hoped it wouldn’t happen.   
Dan dried off his hands, turning to face his little brother. Adrian stood still, like a deer in headlights, wanting desperately to cross his arms but not being able to.   
Dan smiled smally at his brother. “Mom gave me a list of things to make sure you do, and I wanted you to know what it was. Come on, let’s go to the lounge. I think I left it there.”   
Adrian didn’t want to follow him, but he did regardless. They walked into the Lounge, and he sat back on the very end of the sofa, sitting on the edge like he was ready for flight. He saw Dan sitting on the opposite end of the couch and picking up the list, but almost jumped when Dan yelled. “Phiiiiii-illl!”   
“Coming Dan!” Phil said from the other room. In a moment he jogged in, and sat on the chair diagonal from the couch. “Yeah?”   
“Me and Adrian- sduiwhfjfbdkjcnkjsdfnjvkk Adrian and I are going to go over the list Mum gave me, but I thought you should be in the loop too.” Phil nodded, and Dan started reading off the list. “So, apparently you are supposed to have one anti-depressant every day, so I guess we can do that at night. Age-Adrian, did you have one already today?” Adrian felt both sets of eyes on him, and he nodded smally, lying. He hadn’t had one yet, nor did he plan on it.   
Dan smiled and looked back at his notes. “It looks like your also supposed to have someone rewrap your wrists every night with gauze, which Mum brought, thank God.” They looked at Adrian again, who was doing his best hiding his arms behind his back. It didn’t work very well though, and he winced visibly, the cuts being stretched painfully.  
“Maybe we can do that tomorrow, since these bandages are probably still pretty new,” Phil suggested. Adrian felt so thankful, he was just about ready to hug Phil- almost.   
Dan nodded to Phil’s request. “Then, it looks like mom just suggested we get rid of any locks on our bathroom and bedroom doors.” Adrian felt his cheeks heat up. He was the reason for that- well, he was the reason for all of this, but he felt especially guilty for this one. “I actually don’t think we should do that though,” Dan said, and Adrian’s eyes shot up to look at him. Dan looked to Phil, who nodded.   
“Yeah, I feel like we should still have a bit of privacy. The landlords did give us the keys that unlock all of the doors, so Dan and I can keep those with us.” Phil suggested, and he smiled at Adrian.   
“Yeah, but how would we know if you were just pooping or something?” Dan asked, looking to Adrian as if he were just going to pipe up saying something like ‘Oh yeah, never mind that, if you knock on the bathroom door and I’m just pooping, then I’ll just call pack, saying it’s occupied! Or, better yet, I’ll just fill the bathroom with my laughter!’  
It was Phil who ended up coming up with the solution. He said that if one of them knocked on the door to check on him, Adrian could just knock back, whether on the door or just on the wall or something. Adrien thought that was a fair idea, so they moved onto the next issue.   
“We don’t have a guest bedroom, so you can sleep in my room,” Dan said, setting the list aside. “I already moved some of my stuff out of the way, but I’ll need to get clothes from there. If you need anything, Phil will be in the room right next to yours and I’ll be upstairs, in the office.”  
Adrian realized then, that he had kicked his brother out of his room. I wouldn’t be such an inconvenience if I had just died, he thought bitterly. He reminded himself that in a few days, he wouldn’t have to worry about it. His brother and his flat mate wouldn’t have to worry about him at all anymore- nothing besides the funeral arrangements.   
He nodded, looking away from the older boys. They got up and Adrian followed reluctantly. Dan went straight, jogging up the stairs to what Adrian assumed to be the office, while Phil led him to his temporary room. Adrian realized then that he had gone into Phil’s room earlier. Stupid! He thought.

Phil went into his room, so Adrian went into his room. He started digging through his bags, trying to find his toiletries, but stopped when he found his laptop. He had assumed his mom wouldn’t pack it, since she was always complaining about the amount of time he spent on it, but it seemed he was wrong.   
In the same bag, Mrs. Howell had packed his phone, headphones, and both of his charging cords. Adrian grabbed his phone and headphones, plugging it in to the wall as it was nearly dead, and sighed in contention. He climbed under the covers, and tried to ignore all of the obvious traces of Dan left around the room. Pulling his shirt off, Adrian tossed it at one of the bags at random and laid down. He pulled on his headphones and quickly tapped at his phone until it started playing mcr. Breathing deeply, he fell asleep almost instantaneously, doing the best to ignore the burning of his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil fell asleep pretty quickly, after not having slept well the previous night. Adrian too. The house was filled with the sound of deep breathing and gentle snoring, as all of it’s residents were asleep- all but one, that is. Dan was still wide awake, sitting on the pull out couch and pursing the internet. After a few hours, however, he got tired of it. Dan felt restless. He tried laying down and turning the lights off, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Then, of course, the rest of the house was dark and Dan’s eyes couldn’t help but wander to the door. He felt uncomfortable- like something was lurking right behind the door.   
Trying to keep himself from freaking out, Dan went back on his computer, opening up Tumblr again. But the horrific images and hilarious posts didn’t seem to do anything to distract him, so sighing, Dan went to Wikipedia. His hands hovered over the keyboard, trying to decide what to type. Finally, his fingers seemed to type on their own, and Dan looked at the screen to see what he had written; “self-harm”. He clicked the first article, cringing at the picture displayed on the side. That’s what Adrian’s wrists must look like, under all the gauze. It made Dan feel ill.   
He looked away from the horrific picture, and started reading the article. “Self-harm (SH) is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue, done without suicidal intentions.” Obviosly this didn’t apply directly to Adrian, then. He had cut himself with the intention to kill himself.   
Dan coughed, looking away and focusing on a spot on the wall. He took a few breathes, trying to calm down. He had already cried so much, and it seemed like he was just as sensitive to the topic as when he found out, but Dan kept from crying again and looked back at the screen. He scanned the writing, trying to pretend it didn’t apply to his brother. No, Dan was just reading it to gain information- he was as soulless as Sherlock.   
He got to the section called “treatment.” At this point, Dan was already pretty shaken up, so looking into treatment for his brother should hopefully help. Wikipedia suggested treatment options for self-harmers such as interventions and avoidance methods. Dan decided this wasn’t the proper place to be looking for help for his brother, since after all, Adrian wasn’t a normal self-harmer. He just tried to kill himself through self-harm.   
Dan looked away from his computer again, starring at the spot on the wall until he calmed his nerves. Finally, Dan was about to click away when he saw one of the sections on self-harm below what he was reading: gender differences. He glanced over it, but basically all it said was that males self-harmed just about as much as females, though males were more likely to commit suicide than females.   
Dan shook his head, going back to the search page. He typed in his next search- “suicide”. The page came up, and Dan started reading the article right away. “Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death.” Well, he knew that. The article talked about how risk factors included mental health disorders, such as depression and personality disorders. Dan wondered if Adrian had depression, or something else. He certainly seemed depressed.   
Dan kept scrolling down the page until he found what he was looking for. It was a graph, showing the fatality rates for different suicide methods. Cutting was on there, but it was extremely low. To Dan, it looked like it only had a 5% success rate.   
Sighing, Dan couldn’t help feel relieved. He knew his brother was safe, that he was probably fast asleep in his room, but just the reassurance that Adrian had a very small likelihood of actually dying reassured Dan.   
Suddenly, Dan pushed his laptop to the side and stood up. His bare chest felt cold, but he ignored it. He still was wearing pants, so Dan didn’t bother changing into anything else as he opened the door and walked down to the main floor. Usually the hallways would be eerie, but they had forgotten to turn the lights off.   
Trying to be as quiet as he could, Dan twisted the doorknob to his room. He pushed it open, almost worried about what he would see, only to find Adrian fast asleep. Dan let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in.   
Walking over to the edge of his bed, he looked at his sleeping brother. The fans weren’t kidding when they said that they resembled each other. Even now, 3 years since that picture that was circling the internet, it was obvious that they still looked a lot like each other.   
Dan noticed a strange noise, however. He tensed up, trying to find out what it is, when his eyes traced down to the phone sitting on the bed next to Adrian. Headphones were plugged in, and they were blasting music. Hesitantly, Dan picked them up, and put one in his ear. He recognized a song by My Chemical Romance.   
How did Adrian fall asleep with the band screaming lyrics in his ears? Dan chuckled.   
He opened his brother’s phone and turned off the music, setting the phone on his nightstand.   
After Dan went back to the office, it still took him a while to fall asleep. He perused the internet for a while longer, before pacing around his temporary room. Finally, at nearly 2 in the morning, Dan was able to get to sleep.

Phil woke up surprisingly early; 8 in the morning. The house was quiet, but he decided to check on the others before going back to his room. He went to the office first, peeking in on Dan. He would normally knock but he was positive Dan would be passed out on his bed. When he opened the door, his assumptions were correct- Dan was laying on his stomach, breathing heavily. His head was turned to the side, and Phil watched his friend breathe for a moment before sneaking out, closing the office door lightly behind him.   
He walked back down the stairs and into the hallway, pausing before entering Dan’s room. Adrian was laying completely still on his bed, laying on his stomach with his head to the side. Phil furrowed his eyebrows. They were both sleeping on their stomachs?  
Phil looked back at the perfectly still form on the bed, and for a second, he thought it was Dan. Blinking and shaking his head, Phil looked at Adrian carefully. He looked so much like Dan, it was uncanny, but no, this was definatly Adrian. Phil realized that he hadn’t even put his glasses on yet. It was a wonder he had made it to the office and back.   
Phil looked back at Adrian, and realized that he hadn’t moved at all since Phil entered the room a minute ago. Phil just about screamed. Was he… was he…?  
Pressing the back of hishand to Adrian’s cheek, he felt warmth. But that could just mean-  
Phil’s worries were proven wrong when the touch made Adrian stir, pulling up the covers to cover part of his face. He moaned as he shuffled in the sheets, moving his legs until one hung out the other side of the bed. Phil’s eyes widened as Adrian rolled over, rolling on top of the covers completely.   
First of all, Adrian wasn’t wearing pants. But that was more just a little uncomfortable than what Phil was focusing on.   
Instead of looking at the boy’s underwear, Phil was staring at the cuts on his thigh. They weren’t bandaged like the ones on his arms, and weren’t even knew looking. No, they looked like they were a few weeks old- pinkish white lines, some slightly swollen looking.   
How would Phil tell Dan? His best friend was a wreck when he found out that his little brother had attempted suicide, what would he do when he found out Adrian cut regularly? Mrs. Howell hadn’t mentioned the cuts when she dropped the boy off- could she not know? She must not!  
Phil walked to the opposite side of the bed and picked up the covers. Dan had filmed so many videos on this bed, and the grey and black squares were basically iconic. Phil flipped the covers over so Adrian was in a blanket burrito, before leaving the boy to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really difficult to write because it's triggering AF.
> 
> Besides that, I had to delete the entire chapter and start again. I had it mostly done, but after thinking on it for a few days, realized that it wasn't nearly realistic enough. Just... blah

Adrian woke up around 7, since he had gone to sleep so so early. But it didn't really matter. Not like he could be productive or anything.  
He lay in bed for hours, it seemed, staring no where and doing nothing. His phone lay on the nightstand beside him, which was weird considering he didn't remember putting it there. It was literally less than half a meter way, yet he couldn't bring himself to reach out for it. He couldn't do anything, it felt like.   
Eventually, the door opened and Phil walked in. He said something about him and Dan and Anime, but Adrian didn't really hear it. He didn't breathe for the entire time Phil was in the room, but it wasn't intentional.  
Noon rolled around, unlike Adrian who hadn't moved since he woke up hours before. Dan popped in once, but Adrian didn't remember what he had said. All he remembered was that Dan had taken the covers off of Adrian, throwing them to the side. He didn't put up a fight, nor did he move. Adrian was tired of pretending he was okay, and it's not like he could anyways.   
Finally, at 1 in the afternoon, both Dan and Phil came in. They talked to Adrian, but he couldn't hear them. It was like his head was submerged in water; like he was drowning.  
He managed to tune into their words about halfway through though, which honestly just made his head hurt.   
"You need to get up. You missed breakfast and lunch, and we don't know how long it's been since you ate."  
"Come on," Phil added, trying to sound cheery. "You'll feel much better after you eat some. We have pizza, some taco meat, cereal-"  
But Adrian wouldn't get up. They left, and Adrian felt a slight wetness in his eyes. Why couldn't he move? He knew he could, he knew he hadn't lost the ability- so what was wrong? It was almost as though there was a wall in his mind, keeping him from being able to move, keeping him from being happy. Adrian figured that was what depression was. A wall in your mind, keeping you from doing things or wanting to do things because you just can't anymore.   
But Adrian had to get up. He had to- he had to! Adrian felt a panic rise up in his throat, and he tried to settle his breathing. He could do this. He could do this.   
Adrian closed his eyes. He imagined his fingers, and clenching them. Without opening his eyes, he tried to copy the motion. His fingers wouldn't move.   
Opening his eyes in frustration, Adrian starred daggers at his fingers. Why wouldn't they move? What was wrong with him? He could just move them, he could interlace his fingers or use his hands to push himself up or brush aside his fringe, but he couldn't because he couldn't move them!   
Sucking in a breathe through his teeth, Adrian forced himself to clench his fingers into fists. He breathed sharply as he forced himself to move his fingers. It felt weird, wrong. He didn't want to be able to move his fingers. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to be dead, to be out of everyone way permanently. Why couldn't he just do that?  
Adrian brought his arms up, in the spur of the moment, and slapped himself. It hurt, so he raked his fingernails down and across his chest, digging them into his sides where they stayed. He puffed in annoyance, and closed his eyes, trying to focus again on his fingernails. They just dug deeper into his sides.   
Finally, Adrian remembered the only thing that could help him with getting out of bed on days like these, which he had had before, but never like this. He had always just focused on his legs, because when he focused on other things it was like he was able to get past the firewall in his mind.  
Adrian pushed himself up, acting as though he was limp in every part of his body but his arms. It wasn't that far from the truth. His sides burned, and most likely had deep nail marks but he tried his best to ignore them. If he focused on being limp, the opposite of what he was supposed to want, it made it easier. He used his hands to pick up one leg after the other, ignoring the burning of the scars on his thighs and the tightness of the bandages on his arms. He pushed his legs off the bed, and took a deep breathe, counting down from three. He had to count down from three because if he counted from any more he wouldn't be able to. It was like jumping off the high dive; if you looked down, thought about how high up it was, you would never do it. Only he was just trying to get out of bed, not off a high dive.   
But somehow, this felt harder.  
Finally, Adrian pushed against the famous bedspread and found himself standing up. His legs felt weak, just like the rest of him, but he did it. He got out of bed.   
He managed to put on the same clothes as yesterday, the idea of ruffling through his bags seeming sickening at best. Finally, Adrian was walking out of Dan's room and into the lounge, where he found Phil sitting on the beanbag playing a video game and Dan sitting in the sunken bit of the couch, slumping over as he browsed the internet.  
As soon as Adrian pushed open the door, both Dan and Phil turned to look at him.   
"Hey," Dan said. "Here, come on".   
Adrian followed him out of the lounge and into the kitchen, where Dan started pushing through the fridge. "Pizza?"   
His stomach growled, but Adrian honestly felt extremely unappetized. Food was healthy, and therefore was bad. He failed once before, this time he had to succeed at committing suicide. So he couldn't eat.  
Dan looked at Adrian, who was shaking his head. "Okay, here, you can choose." He stood up and moved out of the way, as Adrian looked at his older brother incredulously. But, after a small stare off, the boy pant down to look through the fridge.   
Dan left, apparently deciding that his job was done. Adrian kept looking through the fridge, as if hidden amongst the ketchup bottles and containers of leftovers Adrian would find some purpose. He found none, and when Dan returned Adrian felt even worse than before, if possible.  
"Found anything?" Dan asks, and Adrian looked at his feet. It was honestly like he could feel the disappointment radiating off of his brother. Finally, Dan sighed. "Okay, pizza it is."  
He heated up a measly two slices, telling Adrian its okay if he wasn't hungry but he still had to finish the slices. And, when Adrian's back was turned, Dan opened the little pill he had gotten and dumped the contents onto the pizza slices. He didn't know how this brand compared to other brands, but according to the FAQ page on their site, it was perfectly fine to mix in with food, almost recommended. Besides, Dan knew that Adrian wasn't going to just take his antidepressants without trying anything, and this way he couldn't try anything.   
Dan walked back to the lounge, and was almost surprised when Adrian followed him. When Dan sat back in his browsing position, Adrian sat on the other side of the couch, but still on the same couch. Dan watched as his brother would eat a few bites of the pizza, then stop, and stare at the plate blankly for a few minutes before continuing eating it. It was like he was starving, which Dan was sure he was, yet Adrian acted like he wasn't even hungry. 

Eventually he finished his pizza, and walked to the kitchen where he stayed for a few minutes. Dan started freaking out a little, wondering if he had found the key to the knife drawer, or worse, if Dan had missed something. But the boy came back a few minutes later, and Dan deemed himself overprotective. 

This happened off and on for a few hours, until finally Dan caught him in the act. It was evening, and Phil had retired to his room- or so Dan thought, but when he opened the door he found a black haired boy scaring down the cereal as if he was a starving animal. Dan watched in silent horror as they lifted up the cereal so it would pour into their mouth. 

"God Phil!" Dan exclaimed, and the figure dropped the cereal on the floor, spinning around with a mouth full of cereal. And it wasn't Phil. 

Almost instantly, Adrian started choking on the cereal in his mouth. Dan rushed over, hitting him on the back as his brother struggled. 

Adrian couldn't help feeling so, so, stupid. He'd already given up on starving himself. What a weakling. Through the pain of choking, Adrian almost wished that he could die right then and there, his corpse laying on his brother's kitchen floor surrounded by Shreddies. 

But then, Adrian wasn't choking anymore, the stuck cereal out. He coughed a few times, feeling ill from the experience. Dan leaned against the counter, catching his breathe from the struggle and eyeing his brother wearily. 

And that was first time that Dan saved Adrian's life.


	7. Finished

I keep on wanting to continue writing this book, but I can't. It drives me nuts, the way the editor is set up on this site, and the storyline is too triggering for me. I was going to delete it, but decided I might as well keep the chapters I've already posted anyways. I'm sorry, but this story is over. 

Epilogue:  
Adrian got all better, yay! Dan and him reestablished their brotherhood love, and (after he started talking again), they talked it out. Phil was just happy that they were happy.   
Adrian continued to live with Dan and Phil for the next two years, where he started studying Law at university. It turns out he always had a passion for it, but since Dan studied it he had wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually he moved out, because Dan and Phil got married (Adrian totally called it). 

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
